oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
