My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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