Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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