a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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