At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
