why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
