I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
