I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Holy sore nipples Batman
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
