This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
