i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
