When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
