goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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