It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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