Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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