haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
