just tell him i said nine months
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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