I seem to have left my pride at pride
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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