tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
