Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
