I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
