If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
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