i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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