I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just forgot I was standing up.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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