don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
