I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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