I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
