it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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