Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
