i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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