I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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