Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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