at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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