i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
