Already got asked if we're dating
I just threw up on my dentist
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
