I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
