forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
