my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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