so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
