We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
