Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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