If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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