I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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