I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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