you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
