once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
