1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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