You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
