now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
