If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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