I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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