I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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