fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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